A Tribute

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20120608_DSC_0786Today, I’ve decided to write about a Great Cat. No, not myself. (Although I am very Great, and it’s the logical assumption. A different great cat. Well, of course so many cats are great, especially posthumously, but I digress.) We’ll call him Bailey the Great. Although he was not a cat anyone would call *Evil* he was great at other important cat functions. Like ordering about human slaves, and sleeping, and filling the world with cat hair, which he faithfully did until his dying breath. He was also unique in his independence, he was the only cat I’ve ever known to enjoy riding in the car, even putting front paws on the armrest and eagerly watching out the window. I tend to hide in my box and cry. (Who wrote that?!!) Also, he always selected his own human slaves, and he was very good at it too. In fact, this is why he is so important and worthy of tribute. Bailey the Great is the cat responsible for the training of my own human slave Mummy! Yes, when she was wild eyed and raw, he was the great cat master that settled her down and taught her to serve obediently and faithfully and unquestioningly. What a cat! Here is his story: DSCF0001
Bailey the Great was born somewhere in northern British Columbia. He started with very rebellious human slaves in his employ and one day during an outing, they stole his car and stranded him at some farm in the country in -20° weather. Although a bit miffed and certainly annoyed about his cold toes, Bailey the Great was not a cat to get too ruffled about things. He simply bided his time until he could find better slaves. Of course the farm at which he was stranded had a human slave. He considered adopting this human, but there were already about 60 cat masters running around bossing this slave. No. Never one to compromise on quality, Bailey the Great decided to wait and select a better human slave. And one day she came, wearing enormous -40 boots and bundled up with a hundred jackets, but Bailey saw the potential. At first she just ignored him, being used to farm cats and having a cat at home already and knowing for sure that her mother would absolutely never allow another one. But Bailey persisted. First he sat on her boot, and purred winningly. Her heart melted a little and she picked him up. Then he sat on her shoulder, he purred winningly and he rubbed his head against her affectionately, making it clear he had selected her to be his human slave. She was not insensible of the privilege, but she wondered uneasily if she could get him past her mother whom she was absolutely sure would never allow another cat. By the time she left she was determined to be adopted by Bailey. And the human slave called Mom consented to be adopted too! (Obviously she saw what a great privilege it would be to have a majestic cat like Bailey in the house.)
So number of years ensued in which Bailey the Great trained my human slave Mummy to be the obedient and useful creature that she is.
But time moved on and things changed, and Bailey the Great came up under the care of the human slave Mom. Mom was always a good slave but her new circumstances didn’t exactly suit Bailey. He liked living in a large house with a large lawn and plenty of garden for playing in, but the Mom slave had moved into a small apartment. For a while the Mom slave would take him to visit another slave called “Auntie”. Bailey enjoyed these outings, he loved driving the car and he loved sticking his head out the window. And he loved the beautiful garden at Auntie’s house! So one day he decided to bestow the privilege of being his next human slave on the human creature called Auntie. She had already been well trained by several other cats, Charlie the Great and Mickey the Marshmallow. When Mom went to leave after a visit at Auntie’s, Bailey simply refused to return with her. So it was that he adopted his next human. Auntie proved to be very faithful. She provided him with large luxurious houses, lovely gardens, soft cat food, sofas and beds and electronic blankets. With her is where Bailey stayed until the end of his days. The human slave called Auntie nursed him through his elderly years, providing for his every whim, and making his last days very comfortable. Until the day she kindly took him in for the great eternal catnap, Monday July 7th 2014. Goodbye Bailey, you certainly earned your forever sleep under the lavender rose.DSCF0052
There now, that all needed to be said. But now I’ve said it, don’t expect any more sentimentality from me. You cats, get back to work making hair. Minions, do whatever minions do. Human slaves, note the quality of behavior expected of you from the examples of Mom, Auntie and my slave Mummy. Also, be aware of when you have been selected to serve a Great Cat. You may never get another such wonderful privilege.

Evilness lessons (part 1)

Today’s post is quite special. I was requested to write a monologue of my evilness for a special *literary anthology* (ant-holo-gee…) (you know how the minions can never pronounce anything write). So I’m not exactly sure what a literary anthology is, but I am pretty sure it is a book dedicated to evil dictators. This one being about me entirely of course. Slave Clarissa, who requested this special monologue, has earned herself a spot in my good graces by arranging the whole thing. Of course she had to edit it for the masses, raw Si-chan is a bit much for the range of audience we will be reaching, but here on my personal blog, it will appear in its full unedited splendor. And, upon further consideration, I see no reason why my lessons on evilness should be limited to one. More lessons to come and I expect my cat minions to pay especial attention.

Si-chan Evilness Monologue (part 1)

The day dawns. I’ve just woken from a restful 12hrs sleep. And I needed my rest, I’ve got big plans for the day. Today is the day. The day I mobilize. The day I take over the world!

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But first, I hop off my cushioned chair and amble down the hallway. Something is not right. I pause at an open door and survey the room. There it is. My human slaves are sleeping peacefully, contentedly. Clearly, all is not well in the universe!! How shall I proceed? I flick my tail and walk back to the kitchen. I hop on the kitchen table, I hop down.

“Ker-THUNK”. I hop on the chair. I hop down. “Ker-thunk”!

Is it the same noise when the height is different? I know they are stirring, in their darkest dreams they see me on the kitchen table.

“Ker-THUNK” “Ker-thunk” “Ker-THUNK”… Ahahahaha!

Will they get up and check? I dash down the hallway, a little drunk with my own evilness. I dash back. Hahahaha! Wait! They are moving, but not getting up.

I sit down, feeling a bit thwarted. What next? Think. I saunter over to my sandy toilet, jump in.

“Scritch, scritch, scritch… Loooong pause…”

I hop out, I scratch my claws on the carpet.

“Pick, pick, pick…”

Am I pooping in the toilet or have I found it not up to my standards of cleanliness and am now using the carpet? The furry carpet, the one called “the bathmat”? The Mummy slave has her head up listening, can she run??! Can she make it in time to save “the bathmat”?!! heheheh! There will be no peaceful sleeping now!

Wait… I hear her head fall back to the pillow. How disappointing. She used to have such spark, such fire in her for “the bathmat”!

Well. I walk back to the bedroom door. Sometimes, just sometimes, I let them sleep. But today is not the day for mercy. It’s the day to conquer the world! And it’s time for the big guns. I circle the hallway a little, looking for a good spot. No, not here, this is cheap linoleum, back to the kitchen to the nice “hardwood”.

“Hack! Hack, Hack, Hack!….Bleaaaachhhh!”

There it is. Toxic cat vomit. Guaranteed to dissolve wax in 2 seconds and stain hardwood in 5. And what do I hear? Yes, how satisfying; blind running, staggering, cursing and finally, yes! Stepping in it and screaming! Ahahahahaha!!

I sit by. I blink innocently. A fine start to the day!

Wait!! I glance at the clock. Is it really only 5am?! A bit early for evil dictators.

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I’m going back to bed.

Suits-case

Today, I found Daddy slave put his suitcase out from his shelf. I jumped into the suitcase.IMG_0769

Daddy Slave said to me “Oh, how cute, you would like to go with me?? How cute you are!! You will miss me so much, won’t you?”

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Daddy Slave, what are you talking about? Don’t get me wrong. I do not show my intention that I want to go with you.

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I tell you the Truth, why I jump in the suitcase. It’s my instinct.
I like small box, small place, yes, I like the just-fit size of box.

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When I was in the wild (I never know if I had a wild life… oh am I a wild?), I had to look for the small place which is the safest and most comfortable place to sleep.

So, I go into the small box, if I found it. So, don’t say “you want to come with me”. I am not so silly. I am tough, I do not care Daddy and Mummy Slave away for few days.. but not more than 3 days, if you do so, you will be so sorry, poop on the floor!! not one, yeah, not one!! You know “NOT ONE”!!

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Whoooo, I feel that I get rid my stress…

My Chin and Neck

Why I am rubbing my chin and neck to human slaves

Lots of human slaves think,
if I approach to them, and rubbing my chin and neck to their foot,
they think of me I am very cute…

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Fafafafa-, they do not know what I am doing…,
but today I will let you know secretly why I am doing that.

I have special spots, “felomon (pheromone) producing spots” around my chin and neck.
I like my smell and I want to put my smell to all who and what belong to me.
Yes, they are all mine, they need to have my smell.

Especially, Mummy Slave and Daddy Slave, you have to have my smell.

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I am not sure why, but every morning, they do not have my smell after coming out of “water splaying room”. I hate that.

Here is my evil plan, I will go into “water splaying room” and check what they are doing and put my smell to every items in this room.

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Fafafafafa-, brilliant brilliant brilliant. My smell conquer the world!!

The Kitty strikes back

As many of you minions know, “Daddy” is a big pain for me. I wrote before about his insolent behavior, and vowed a little revenge. Well, the summer was hot and I was busy sleeping, so I didn’t get round to revenge for awhile. But little by little, I’ve made Daddy’s life miserable! Muwahahahahah! (or as Daddy would say Fafafafafaa!) IMG_0502Did you want to sit here Daddy? Too bad, I’m not moving.

IMG_0504You can’t sit here either.

IMG_0637Oops, was that your nice black suit? Its kinda white-ish now…. (Fafafafa!)

IMG_0751Goodness, did you have some important clothes packed in this duffel Daddy? You may want to get fresh…

IMG_3864I thought you liked cat hair saturated pajamas Daddy, for the extra warmth you know.

IMG_2027No, its my remote pillow and you CAN’T have it. Crying won’t help.

20120930_IMG_2074Oh, are these your good clothes that I am cleaning my butt on? sorry… don’t get so upset, if they were so important why did you leave them on the sofa? (Fafafafafaafaaaaaaa!)

Well, that was satisfying. I have more revenge planned, this was just the start, but I’ll have to tell you about it another day. I’ve got to go, there seems to be a spot on the floor not yet covered in cat hair.

Also, Daddy seems comfortable. THAT needs taking care of too.

SN3E0022 Wake up to this face… if you dare! Fafafafaa!

 

Yellow Leader to Green Leader …

YL: Hello Green Leader, This is Yellow Leader (i.e Daddy) …. Secret Word is code xx. Answer to my emergency report…

GL: Roger.. Read your code. Your are free to talk to me. Our conversation is jammed. So Silvia cannot read us..

YL: Good, Green Leader. I found the secret of source of Silvia’s power. She has a secret power generator, that is why she is so evil. I will send the evidence photo to you. Receive it.

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GL: What is this? I cannot figure it out. Explain me.

YL: Silvia was sleeping on the bed. The dent form is hers. Look at the cord in the dent. The cord is a electric charge cord from outlet. She was hooked to the outlet.. wow, it’s scary to think about. She was charged for more than 10 hours last night!

GL: Roger. Thanks for your warning. I will do maximum alert for couple of days!! Perhaps, let Silvia drink tons of water….

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YL: Good ideas. Have a safe day, Mummy Slave!!

 

Daddy Wars

I’d like to take a moment for a little rant about “Daddy”. I’m almost at the point where I’d call him an arch-enemy, but it seems a grandiose title for someone so ineffectual at house chores. He definitely doesn’t rank up there with Tomas or Tyson Dyson. So I will stick with calling him annoying.

ANNOYING!

Maybe my arch-irritant. I can’t name the number of things he does to aggravate me. Stealing my chair, laying on my sofa, to name a few. But what really gets me is when he puts things on my head or drapes them around my neck, or rollers me with the sticky tape. DSC_0017  (Daddy sticks a minion on Si-chan’s head. She is not impressed.)

20120930_DSC_0024(Daddy puts a frog on Si-chan’s head. She is NOT impressed.)

20111119_DSC_0503Daddy sticky rollers Si-chan. She is very annoyed and somewhat thwarted in her plans for world domination. But he’s still not arch-enemy worthy material.)

Hate that! Oh, and then there’s what he calls “capturing me” or “family hug” where-by I get squished between Mummy and Daddy. Grrrr. Have I mentioned he is the top of the disposal list when I take over the world? IMG_2012(Daddy captures Si-chan. She is really ticked off.)

IMG_3548(Daddy holds Si-chan like a baby. She is extremely ticked off and violence is likely to ensue.)

20120429_IMG_2860(Daddy again captures Si-chan and dares to kiss the top of her head. Polite words can’t express her feelings, and sleep if you dare tonight Arch-irritant!)

I plot evil revenges on Daddy, but Mummy is around more and usually steps in them first. Although, I have occasionally caught him with a poop on the bathmat before his morning shower. That’s satisfying. And there was the time I bit his butt. hahahaha! although I didn’t actually bite his butt, I went for a “lion bringing down water buffalo” lunge at his back end but didn’t actually bite. I did scrape a couple of vicious wounds down his legs though and the shrieking was was definitely butt-bite worthy.

You can see my issues with Daddy here. I have some plots for revenge though, and will post later how these turn out. Any suggestions welcome of course. See you after the Kitty strikes back!

Minions

Recently my minions posted some drivel on the blog. They are usually useful, but occasionally a bit saucy and in need of discipline. To ensure the behavior of future and current minions I’ve decide to post some pictures of them being disciplined.

(Si-chan surveys her minions)IMG_0184

(Si-chan eyeballs a purple minion.)IMG_0130

(A green minion is cut out for discipline.)IMG_0281

(The particularly insolent pink minion is smacked around a bit.)Clipboard01

Whew, my discipline time is over. My minions will behave well. I am satisfied… Now I can take a rest with my stuffies. (My favorite Green Flog!!) IMG_0154Who put those there!? Who posted that!!? Die die die!!!

 

Secret Name

My slaves “Daddy and Mummy”, were away from home for a while last weekend…so I had lots of time to think about myself after I conquer the world. YES, I dreamed of “The Queen” of the world!! fafafafafafaaaa.

I like to be called “Queen Silvia”, wow, sounds great.  Yes, I am, I am very much capable and suitable. Wait a minutes, “Queen” is not so cutting-edge title.  Do you have any good ideas, minions??

Minion A: The 1st lady in the world, Queen Silvia.   Silvia: boring.

Minion B: Queen Obatarian!! (Means Japanese Ladies about 50-60 years old) Silvia: Prepare to be disciplined!!

Minion C: Queen Jabba.  Silvia: Why you said that? Minion C: Woo, because you sit like him.  Silvia: It’s not true, it cannot be ….

The matter of fact…

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Other minions: Wow, that name is the most suitable!! Queen Jabba!!IMG_0910

A great name it is, and Ohhh, how wonderful I am. My sitting skill is the best in the world for sure.  People will be scared!! They will say YES to all my requests.  Fafafafafaaaa.

The progess of world domination

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I have fully saturated the blue blanket with my hair. It was hard work but I feel an incredible sense of accomplishment.

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I appear to look on dispassionately, but it’s really taking all my control not to evil chuckle out loud as the slave called “Mummy” gripes and tries to shake it out. Its beautiful, all my lovely hair floats in the sunlight, glittering like a thousand deadly nano-sabers. Each one made with precision to infiltrate and saturate and dominate! That “Mummy” creature will put the blanket through the noisy beast called the “washing machine”, but the hairs won’t be bothered. They’ll come out the other side every bit as deadly, just slightly cleaner and shinier. Then, she’ll take the blanket outside to dry, and all the little hairs will float away to conquer the whole world! I envision gloom as my hair blocks out the light, snow-like drifts with people struggling to get through them, emergency vehicles with their cogs and wheels all stalled, utterly helpless. Bwahahahah! (Happy claws!)

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Well, I’m feeling a bit sleepy so with those visions in my dreams, I’ll get started on the red blanket. Soon everything will be mine!!